"Hypers, Nancy!" George ejaculated. Response: Political Incorrectness In Nancy Drew Books

[ The followimg post is a response to an article : Was Nancy Drew Politically Incorrect? ]

In every single thing I do, I am a detective.  Some people call that "doing one's homework."  From the moment I arise until I drop, I am a grade-A busybody; whether it is about medicine, law, education, business, or just trying to survive in today's world.

Nancy Drew's, some in first editions (yes, really), have a place of honor on my bookshelves.  I have them printed on cheaper paper for the sake of saving money to support the Second World War; I have them with R.H. Tandy's marvelous illustrations both in glossy black and whites printed from 1929 through the '30's, in pen and ink's from the late '30's and '40's, in their colored covers.  I also have the later illustrators who cheapened and simplified Nancy's style and persona.  It was R.H. Tandy who gave her her beauty.  Not to mention that of chums, Helen Corning, Bess Marvin, and George Fayne; with loyal housekeeper, Hannah Gruen, and Dad--Carson Drew. Remember???

The books, complete with running boards on automobiles that required blankets for "motoring" as there were yet to be car heaters; a whopping speed limit of 20 miles per hour; rumble seats in roadsters; or "electrical ice-boxes" as the term "refrigerator' was brand new; were also very real. That is to say, the books reflected the times in which they were written, as the author states.

There neither was nor is absolutely nothing wrong with them.  Nothing.

As several of the folks commented below, it wasn't about "racism" or "anti-Semitism'" in those days.  It was about reality: The way things were.  That's called "HISTORY."   The books, with the nom de plume of Carolyn Keene, were well written--for third and fourth graders--full of fun vocabulary, settings, adventures, and new things for young girls who wanted to be grown-up's.  In those days, when a girl like Nancy was 16, she was already running a household and solving mysteries.  As the books progressed, and our society was ever more protective of its children, Nancy's age upped to 18.  She had to be more mature to do all of those things; it wasn't so much about time passing, as it was about our society becoming less mature.

The bigotry and prejudice, if one wants to look for it, is there--"good and plenty."  But you know, it's how things were.  As the author writes, rather than hide reality from children, talk with them about it.  Learn from it.  Be glad that Nancy offers so much in so many dimensions--historically, politically, socially, culturally--in addition to the simple plots that were ever so adventuresome!  I still "blush to the fingertips" when something exciting is upon me. Don't you??

If one wants to address the 'Drew books, rather than frown upon the culture of the times, one might also take a look at Nancy as a top-drawer feminist--in fact, as are all of the women in these books.  Take Mr. Drew's sister: Eloise Drew, unmarried, a career woman, and living quite successfully in New York.  I believe Aunt Lou was a practicing attorney, and helped Nancy on more than one case...  See, it wasn't about deliberate attacks on this group or that; again, it was about society, commentary, the culture; and authors who used--yes--the ideal Girl Scout, as the epitome of the role model for Nancy's character.

This author did a very good job of discussing the slants in Nancy's world.  I have little doubt that those same slants were in far more books and series--e.g.: Mark Twain--than just Nancy Drew.  Hide the truth of the times, and they will re-live themselves.  Expose them for what they were, and they're valuable  lessons.

Nancy Drew is one of The Best aspects of my life.  She is alive and well, and with me every single day.  I am so glad that the author was as generous as she was, and wise.  Sometimes, people aren't so kind.  I have no patience with the politically correct: It's one thing to be courteous, polite, and civil. It's quite another to hide the truth, and live in a world that isn't or wasn't, or will never be: That is not Nancy Drew; it is the Emperor's New Clothes.

Five Finger Exercise

I would like to say that I come from a long line of Fingernails.  Every woman in our family has had Fingernails since I can remember.  Generations of Fingernails.  Manicured, buffed, polished to the nine's.  Deep reds, wines, and burgundies.

It all started with Cherries In The Snow--Charles Revson's, and Revlon's, very first shade of adapted automobile paint--helping women to buck up during the Depression and War effort.

Always, Fingernails.  It was never an issue among us.  Since I was six years old, I had long nails.   I learned to take care of them myself, albeit I didn't start wearing red polish for years and years:  A family tradition. One wasn't human, let alone a female or feminine, without Fingernails.  I was convinced that they possessed some bit of magical power, in order to make a woman complete.  I had to have them.  Inwardly, I knew this.

When I was ten, I made the fatal mistake of taking piano lessons. Who knew? I was the bane of my teacher's existence.  Why?  The long fingernails.  Did you know that in order to play the piano, one has to have Short fingernails?  Yes.  I took lessons year after year, and it was an ongoing battle about the fingernails. Clickety clack, clickety clack, upon the keys.  My teacher, who was petite, tremulous, dressed in flowered silks without a brassiere, and with eminently blue hair, wanted--nay, demanded--my nails be short; to round the hand, curve the fingers, hit the keys with the soft pads of the quiet fingertips.  Power to the upper knuckles and carpals. A fair request.

I, on the other hand, wanted to look utterly gorgeous from the wrists down, even in the fifth grade.  Why not?  Everyone in my family was gorgeous in the very same way.  Long, luscious nails upon even longer, artistic and beautifully sculpted fingers and hands. Do you have any idea how refreshing it is, when doing arithmetic assignments, or a social studies paper, to absentmindedly take a break, and gaze down at such elegant, slender, appendages?  My hands were so lovely that when I injured them, nothing could give me greater pleasure than to dote on the ethereal beauty of their X-rayed poise.  Think of it.

After all, I only "tickled the ivories" a few hours a week; yet, I reasoned, I had to look at my hands, 24/7.  It was obvious.  Materialistic and empirical piano vs. spiritual, eternally beautiful hands.  What's to discuss?

Ultimately, I quit the lessons, and my fingers were at peace.  I quit for other reasons, too--like ongoing migraine headaches every Monday on the spot, about four hours before lesson-time. The nails were a part of the pain.  I assure you.
*
Life came, and life has gone by.
*
Now, don't drop your drawers, but I'm taking piano lessons, again.  Same piano.  Same practicing only a lot more, same everything.  Different teacher (the old one died years ago). Same Fingernails.  Only, this time, with the red polish: The true family tradition remember, from generation to generation. (L'dor v' dor.)

Wouldn't you know it?  Here we go again.

This time, the nails are eminently shorter--down to the nub.  The style has changed:  Computers, touch-screens, and smart phones are the name of the game.  Short nails are a prerequisite for survival in the information age. However, I would like to say, they are not short enough for my piano teacher, and this one doesn't even have blue hair!

So help me. I clip, I file.  The nails are Below the fingertips!  But, they click. I have tall cuticles; I have long nail beds.  No matter what I do, I still click rather than tickle, the keys.  My own rhythm section.

I've taken to giving myself a manicure the night before the lessons.  I hope this will do the trick. Maybe she won't notice.  I have painted them a neutral color so that the teacher can see how stubby and minuscule these nails are, relative to their potential.  My nails short, are longer than many women's, long!  It's the way God made me.  I'm stuck.

What can you say about a woman who has three pianos--including a baby grand that substitutes as the dining room table under a chandelier-- in a living room/dining room area that's maybe 10'x15'?  There is a heavy, Victorian jacquarded tapestry of a sofa with antique gold fringe hanging all about, two over-stuffed chairs, a disc-player, and two mammoth felines. Definitely, a room out of necessity, that commands absolute order and control; everything must be in its place. Including the Fingernails. Or Else.

There you are.  I am caught.  I love the music, discipline myself to the practicing, thoroughly enjoy the teacher, delight over the charmingly petite house--fringe and all.  What to do, what to do...

Um, maybe I should tell you that my teacher had her cats de-clawed.  Do you think this is in the back of her mind?  Naaaaah, couldn't be.  Or could it?

A God Story #1

Do you believe in God?  I do.  He keeps popping up on me.  Or, maybe it's His angels--my angels.  Anyway, I don't mean to get mushy on you, or mystical.  It's just that I have empirical God stories.  I'm going to tell you one of them.  It just happened, yesterday.

I have a password book.  Dumb.  Lose the book, and lose my life.  You know how it goes.  In the meantime, I have the book.  Hundreds of passwords.  I've done a lot of re-arranging and moving lately, because I moved my office home.  (We'll talk about that another time.)  

As things began to finalize/be finished up, I began to relax and to get comfortable.  Hundreds of papers, books, new items and doo-dads, everywhere. I'm not used to where everything is yet, because I'm not used to having all this Stuff in my house to know that it's here; let alone where it is!

Time passed. Maybe a couple of weeks.  Very hectic in the meantime, with company, the holidays, getting caught up with the business, my daughter's care, etc. 

Then, last week, I focused on Facebook--figured I'd make my mark there.  It had been months and months, and it was time to catch up. 

I went to look for the password book:  Absent and unaccounted for.  Odd, I thought.  I know it's' here...

I wasn't so worried, because I knew it had to be Somewhere.  Slowly and methodically, I began to look. The days went by.  I looked harder.  At first, it was topical.  Then, beneath and into and under. Oy...  

I was reminded of the little story, Where's Spot?  Is he here? No.  Is he there?  Not there.  Is he over in the other place?  Nope.  Not in the other place, either... 

Uh, oh...

After a week, I recruited my daughter's nurse.  Search, search. search. Under furniture, in drawers, throughout closets; peculiar places that it couldn't be--but might.  I checked, cleaned, and swept the spots in the garage; every where in my three offices.  The trash, the shredded papers.  I called places I thought maybe I took it and left it.  The good news is that it had been about a month, and no one had tried to log in as me: Another reason to think the book was at home.  

Nevertheless, no password book.  

It wasn't just the newspaper or the stock market check-up passwords, you understand.  It was serious: Social Security, insurance, the computers, banks--you know, important things.  It occurred to me to get frantic.  Yet, I still and all, couldn't fathom that I had lost that book.  I kept looking.

On Wednesday, I went for luncheon with a friend.  Delicious belated birthday, at a swell Italian restaurant. Maggiano's. (Ever been there? mmmmmmmm...  The one I like best is downtown, and old in feel--lots of photos of historic Denver.  Leather booths, checkered table cloths...  Black and white parquet floors in the bathrooms.  Dark wood trim and wainscoting with white striated marble walls.  Brass trim.  Perfect.  But I digress.)

My friend and I eat.  It comes time for dessert. The waiter brings it, gratis, for the special occasion, and with the skinniest pink birthday candle I've ever seen.  Twine dipped in wax and straightened.  About 6" tall.  He lights the wick, and I make a wish.

Wishes over birthday cakes, at least for me, don't mean much; I don't take them seriously.  (Just between us.)

This time, however, in all the years of wishing, I figured I really had a good, legitimate wish.  Instead of saving the world, or the environment, or the poor and starving--wishes that couldn't come true in a million years from my or anyone's birthday candle--I had a serious thought.  Not just a wish--a fervent request.  In fact, a prayer.

I'm not one to ask God for things.  I figure He's got a lot on His mind with the weather, wars, and all; and the best I can do is to have Him grant me the strength to help me help myself.  That's my usual petitioning prayer. With a "Thank you" up front.

I think, OK, this is a birthday wish, and By Golly, I'm going to take advantage of the occasion.  I'm desperate. (I hope God doesn't mind the imposition, too much.)  

My wish had become a prayer, and I asked for help to find the password book.  (Of course, you guessed this.)  I say "Thank you" first--up front--as I prayed.  

From the birthday candle fairy, I had transitioned to God:  "Upper Management."

Losing a password book is serious business.  I needed to rely on Someone more powerful than I.

I wish, I pray, I hope and hope and hope.  Omain.

*

Five minutes later, as my friend and I begin to start in with the dessert, Hillary's nurse calls me at the restaurant. No kidding.  No. Kidding.

"Hello!" she says cheerily.  "I have something to tell you."

I smile inwardly.  I know what it is.  "You found the password book," I return, quietly.

"How on earth did you know?!"  She is stupefied.

"Because I asked God to find it just minutes ago, and He did,"  I said.

Our nurse of 29 years, 77 years old, whose husband was pastor of their church, is abashed.  "When did you ask God to help you find it?" she queried.  

"About 5 minutes ago," I said with a smile.

The nurse didn't question for a moment.  She knew this was right.  The book had been stuck in the couch, under the cushions.  I had searched the couch twice.  The nurse had searched the couch herself, a few days ago.  For whatever reason, today, she went back and looked in the couch, again. Bingo.  There was the book.

So you go figure.  But I figure God found it.  I figure He knew right where it was, and when I asked Him, He couldn't refuse.  So He found it for us.  The nurse got the credit.  Albeit, she refused the promised monetary reward. Her reward came from Heaven.  She was humbled to be the servant of the Lord, as they say.  You can just bet that she saw the entire procedure as a testimony to God's existence, which she has known all along.  

She's right.

*

And, there you are.  One of my God stories.  You might say, "Aw, that's just a coincidence."  

My response to that:  Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.  

Am I Retiring, Transitioning, or Re-Inventing?

We've been in business for 77 years.  I sold my building: Offices, showroom with fitting area, the actual factory.  Not a huge place as manufacturing plants go, but figure a big fish in a little pond.  Since 1936, ain't bad.

The garment industry in the United States is all but dead; the custom garment industry is dead.  I have business, I have customers.  But not enough to earn a living.  Labor today is all off-shore for any kind of tailoring expertise and decent pricing; what our custom shop has always been about. As one of the last shops in our line of manufacturing--if not the last--it was time to bail.

I had to move.  I got rid of the overhead (Thank God), and I got rid of all those things I am responsible for but can't control; eg: The Facility, the Equipment, and the Help.  You don't want to own a factory in this day and age, if you can help it.  I'm telling you.  At least 50% of my professional life has been about apologising for this mistake, or that mal-function.  The only honors I got out of the deal were the joys of saying, "I'm sorry," and giving courtesy discounts. Mazel Tov.

But OK.  So, now, I'm moved.  Where?  I don't want to go through the entire process with you, but trust me; it wasn't a charmer.   The cost of renting a new space, buying a new space, adding a new space onto my home, squeezing everything I needed into my house as is; were all possibilities.

I have a friend who thinks I ought to have had a Plan.  Are you kidding? What plan?  I needed to get out of the building in order to save the overall   company--you know, the proverbial handwriting on the wall:  I needed to stop the financial hemorrhaging, and the mistakes.  This wasn't something that was self-contained and dependent on my decisions, alone; rather it demanded that all the outsiders' chips fell in their own proper order.

One day, a guy makes an offer on the building.  OK.  I figure it all out.  Get it all ready.  Then the sale falls through.  Plan?  So I continue on, in my original operational mode.  Six months later, another offer.  OK. This time, the thing goes through but with closing in four weeks.  An entire--if small--77 year old manufacturing operation--close down, sort, and pack up in 20 days; all the while with orders in work.  

In the meantime, the folks I was going to take with me to a new, littler shop, decided to retire, altogether. Surprise...  

So that's the end of the factory.  In all fairness, one former worker is 80, another is 73; we're not talking Spring Chickens, here.  But between the first and second purported sales of the building, everything changed, including any kind of income projection.  Thus, rentals/purchases of smaller manufacturing facilities, were out the window.  How now, Brown Cow?

The bids to add on a home office came in at $35,000.  For 10'x10'.  No kidding. Small volume pricing. Thus, I rented: An inside storage facility unit. Same size as the home add-on, but for $181/month including insurance.  At this rate, I can keep my new "satellite office" for almost 17 years, before I come close to the $35,000 addition.  

You would love the satellite office.  It's two blocks away, so Sydney--my dog--and I can walk to work.  It's done in used brick with Columbia blue and white trim, and looks like traditional model homes.  (The complex cries out for red geraniums).  The place has all the comforts of home except electricity (other than the bare bulb overhead); and the bathroom that is three buildings away.

It's almost perfect.  I have Kleenex, a chair, a shipping table with a scale, my boxes/tape/wrapping tissue/labels, a broom and dustpan along with a wastebasket, step-stool, 15 file cabinets of payables and receivables, and over 200 aprons that I couldn't bear to part with (let me know if you're interested in purchasing...)   It's the best.  A mezuzah is on the doorpost, along with a Jewish calendar for the year, 5774. The UPS office is down the street; I pack up the uniforms in this petite shipping department, and schlep box after box rather than paying extra for the driver in the big brown truck, to pick up.

My family-room at home in the basement, along with my upstairs study, comprise the rest of my corporate offices. Downstairs are the "accounting and business offices."  Everything I need to run the show, as long as I don't have to cut cloth in my own shop.  I can cut cloth with other folks; I can press; I can sew--all outside. I can screen-print and embroider.  Same thing. But I can't cut in-house.  So far. That's my limit.  I have others who can do the manufacturing in their own shops (aka contractors and sub-contractors), or I can sell ready-to-wear (uniforms from other manufacturers that are made off-shore and merely pulled from shelves, and shipped.)

Upstairs is the "creative/executive" office with all the business machines.  Yes.  I'm writing to you from this office, right now.

I'm continually getting settled, as the days go by.  Still working like mad to squeeze it all in.  Adding new activities, as my hours and time are now my own. No one I have to apologise for or yell at.  No machines to fail or be damaged by well-intentioned "experts."  I'm working every day and so far, longer than I ought. Just to get caught up and get on some kind of schedule. (Sometimes, a customer may get a call from me as late as 1:00 a.m....)

Now, you tell me.  People say, "Ohhhhh, I'm so happy you retired!"   Am I retired?  I have 3 office spaces, separate phone/fax/email /business cards, and UPS bills.  "Well, but no, you're at home, now, so that's not really working." Maybe if I drove around the block every morning before I sat down at my desk so that I could "arrive" at my offices by 8:00, that would help.  

Others write books about "transitioning."  My own "transition" either must be because I've morphed from young to old, and/or because America has given up the ghost where blue-collar skills are concerned.  It's the same business, the same name, the same Stuff.  No in-house factory to be sure, but in every other way, it's the same.  We've always had cottage industry. Even this isn't new.

Tell me, what have I transitioned besides my moving from my factory to my home?  Still feels the same to me.  I answer the phone the same.  I dunno.  I guess the transition is in the loss of overhead and liabilities, and I don't have to apologise so much, any more.

Finally, and best, are those who insist I'm re-inventing myself.  Um, I lost 10 pounds.  Does that mean I'm re-invented?  Trust me: I'm still the same impossible person I have always been, which is why I'm not a team player and work for myself.  I'm in the same business, doing the same thing: Fashion.  Only, I'm more relaxed now because I can focus on selling the clothing, rather than putting out all the fires and rescuing the help.

Talking It Over

My daughter is severely and multiply disabled.  However, I've raised her at home for 31 years, as a "well," "normal" child.  I refer to her as a "child," because she's 5'1", weighs 100 pounds, is quite boyish in appearance, and lives in the world of Mario, and Sonic the Hedgehog.  She really is a child.

I also have Sydney, the pooch.  It's taken about a year and a half for the two to bond; for Hillary to realize that sibling rivalry is not necessary between the two of them, and that I can care about both the dog and my daughter differently but equally, at the same time.  No one loses; I don't play favorites.  Except sometimes...

Yesterday, it came time in the dog's routine to go outside and pee; alas, it was raining.  I told Hillary to let Sydney go, but to watch him and not make him stay out there, drenched, any longer than necessary.  He is only 10 pounds, after all; just a little fellow.

She lets him out.  Then, she follows him.  In the rain.   Because Hillary is deaf, we speak in Sign language. Hillary also has a tracheotomy tube, so she cannot vocalize or utter a sound.  "Away! Away!" she flaps, her arms outstretched, and pumping up and down at the wrists.  Syd, who by now has gotten the gist of things with Hillary, understands what this means without a single spoken word; he obediently pads down the stairs of the back stoop.

With a backward glower, it is clear that he is not happy to go out in the rain; nevertheless, he unwillingly lopes toward the middle of the grassy yard.  Hillary's next move is to sign to him, "Toilet! Hurry!"  Being a fellow of few words, himself, Sydney looks at her with a, "Who, me?  What was that you said, again?"

Hil thinks about this, and figures it out.  It all happens in a second.  She will have to be more explicit; more direct.  In her mind, it is Sydney who is at the disadvantage.  After all, he has paws and not fingers; Sign language comes more slowly for him.

Thus, in an effort to help him understand, Hillary gracefully lifts her left leg into a full hoist, while she stands there at the top of the stoop.  As if to pee.  Sydney, wet and circling there on the grass, looks up at her in the rain, considering this.

Hillary has no time to lose.  The rain is coming down faster, and she is getting wet, too.  She moves closer to the dog, edging toward the lawn.  She lifts her leg again higher, at least two feet off the ground, and shakes it so that Sydney will be sure to observe the posture he is supposed to take.

Still, however, no results.

This time, Hillary considers a change of plans.  Perhaps a metaphor, she thinks:  She puts her "hind" leg down, and from both knees, squats, girl-style.  Figuring that perhaps Sydney isn't used to seeing her pee like a male dog, he might relate better to her peeing like a female dog.   Interestingly, this move inspires him, and he begins to circle and sniff more seriously; the rain is ever-present.

Observing that she has made progress, but not quite enough--and particularly given the wetness of things-- Hillary stands upright again, lifts her left leg, then her right, and back to her left, holding each for a moment or two--high up and extended--bent at the knee.  What do you know?!  Sydney stops, stares, and processes what the message is all about.  Looking at Hillary, as if looking at his instructor in a ballet studio, Sydney, too, lifts his leg, and makes the effort to pee.  ...  Success!

Hold it!  Maintain that position!  Ahhhhh.  Both child and hound lower their legs in tandem, together: Smoothly, rapidly, finally. She smiles, in charge; he relaxes, obedient.  Now, they may go inside; both pleased with themselves and each other.

The rain continued to fall and, quickly both hurried for dry comfort.  Hillary gave a backward glance toward the grey sky and pouring down heavy drops of water.  Her arms flew up, and once again her hands bent at the wrists, flapping up and down at the out of doors; the original motion she had made, instead of signing Away, marked, "Finished!"

The Unhemmed Skirt: Fashionable Young Women of the 21st Century

Yesterday, we had a showing re: the sale of the building: The Wesleyans (Methodists, as you no doubt know). A group called Mosaic, which I think is their outreach program for downtrodden urban centers... seem like nice folks.

Toward the end of the showing, one gal is talking with Tom, my broker, in my office, and they're reviewing codes, etc. I'm sitting there, working. The girl is a slender tall, black woman with perfectly matched everything and fun black braided, woven hair. Jewelry, etc. all pinks and wines and puces... Little bowed Pappagallo ballerina flats with bugle beads and sequins. Again, exactingly attired.

Except for one thing: She was wearing a tea-length, tiered, cotton/gauze/muslin dyed skirt (remember those?) in the softest shade of burgundy--how nice. It went beautifully. However, each tier had tons of loose threads hanging from it. Tons. The hem was missing altogether: It simply wasn't. Just raw cloth that looked as though a heel had gotten caught in the stitching, pulled out the entire thing. It was hanging jaggedly, with more threads, all the way around.

Ghastly.

Here was this absolutely lovely girl, dressed to the nine's, with threads hanging everywhere... I couldn't take it. I simply couldn't.

Thus: While she was talking with Tom about the codes, laws, remodeling the bathrooms for the handicapped, etc., regarding moving an outreach church into my building, I quietly took out my shears and clipped the threads on her skirt. Not the tiers because there were too many threads on every layer around the skirt; I worried i might be sued for sexual harassment if I felt my way up from mid-calf to hips. But I did take the wad of muslin that was the large, gathered long skirt hem,, and I continued clipping away. Tons of burgundy shavings fell to the floor.

Interestingly, neither Tom nor the young woman missed a beat in their conversation. I just went on trimming. I can't tell you how happy it made me to see that Mess disappear.

When I was finished, the girl said to me, "You know my mother can't stand this skirt. She doesn't think it should have these threads, either. But this is the way I bought it."

I said to her, "Your mother is right. It's terrible. You're a pretty girl, delightfully dressed, and the skirt looks like it got caught around the center post in the washing machine." I went on, "I bet you paid extra for the manufacturer not to hem the skirt, or finish off the edges."

She confessed it was indeed costly.

I told her that now, she looked 100% better, she still had all the hanging mess on the tiers of the skirt, but that at least the hem wasn't in shreds any more; it was still raw unfinished cloth, so that she could feel as Bohemian as she wished without the stragglers, dripping down. She looked at me.

I said, "You'll thank me later."

Tom, who has been on oxygen since he met me, and has to keep slapping himself to reassure that I'm for real, rather fainted after this. Being raised with the sisters in Ohio Catholic schools, he is not used to my wanton flagrancy...

When he left, he said they would never buy the building...
***

Today, we got an offer from said church, for the highest amount, yet. Higher than any of the previously interested folks. Tom was in a swoon. He said he'd never in 30 years had three simultaneous offers on a single building. He couldn't believe it. Thing is, they want me out in three weeks and I have orders to finish.

Oy.

Tom says I can pay them rent. I said, "Listen, Tom. I'll pay the taxes, the utilities, the bills, for as long as I'm there; I will be out by the 4th of August or sooner. But I have to have time for my customers."

He said, "You'll have to pay rent."

I said, "Tell the gal that instead of rent, I'll finish clipping the threads on the skirt. No charge. That that alone should take care of it."

He said, "No, really. What can you pay in rent?"

I said, "Yes, really. I'll pay all the bills for as long as I'm there, and I'll fix her skirt. Start there. Then, we'll see if we need to negotiate." And that.was.that.

I'll let you know what ensues.
***

That's also why I guess I can't work at Macy's, should I want to go back to retailing. My time has come and gone... If a customer were to come in hideously attired in my opinion, or if new merchandise were to arrive that wasn't right, I would just take a scissor and cut away, or throw away. The store and the customer would be much better off for my assistance. I have no doubt. The thing is, I'm not sure management or the customer would agree. Even though I know they would "thank me later..."

Irish Dessert: A Reflection of the Irish People

I'm standing here, or rather sitting at this moment, in a bib apron and my house shoes. Nothing else. It's too hot.

I just rouued my first lade.  I hope it works.

I think for desserts, it's called a roll.  Meat is for the other.

In an Irish cookbook, whipped cream, raspberries, and chocolate in a powder sugared towel is a roulade.

It's cooling as we speak.

We'll hope for the best.

I hope I don't have a bent broken brownie.

I have no idea how this works.

I went to Joy of Cooking which has pictures and instructions, thank Heaven.

The Irish cookbook assumes that if one is Irish, one already knows how to cook.

It reminds me of the time it said to put noodles in a casserole dish with tuna and mushroom soup, and bake. Never said a thing about boiling the noodles in water, first.

Or the time it said to put two tomatoes in a pan of water and heat, for sauce.  Never said a thing about cutting them up, first.

Or the time it said to put a chicken in the oven at 425 for 2 hours until brown.   Never said to turn on the oven, first.  I even put it in the oven at 4:15.

Soon, I'll go and whip the whipping cream.  Boing.  Peaks.  What I'm supposed to look like in this apron. but don't, and never did.

Probably, I could have used Cool Whip and gotten the same effect.

I mean, Ready Whip.  In the can.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

I figure it will either be charming, or a small heap of stuff.

It should taste the same either way.

I wonder if they're hiring in the kitchen at the School For The Blind...

Finger Food--Delicious Nails

Lately, I'm into nail polish. It's fabulous. You wouldn't believe the colors, unless you've checked. Because I'm a color person, I've become imbued. Or imhued as you prefer. I'm only using Revlon products for a few reasons: Reliable label, been around forever, terrific colors, inexpensive, my choices are automatically limited by brand. Whew.

It started with an ad in a fashion magazine. Purple. Well, I thought, who knows... I can try. (You have to understand that at this juncture, I hadn't worn polish in say, 30 years or so.) Nevertheless, I went for it--Impulsive, they called it. EEEEEEEEK!!!!! That was the first response. It gradually softened to Yikes!, mellowed to a Hmmmmmm..., and settled with a Gee! Try it. You'll like it.

The first trick is to buy stock in cotton balls and polish remover. Because you use more of those than anything. Trust me. That and practicing to be ambidextrous in order to do both hands with minimal mess, are the trickiest parts.

From there, it's just plain fun. Most of all, because I'm using my nails to outfit myself! Instead of jeans and turtleneck in whatever is clean, suddenly it's the polish of the week, with a palette of colors that I have to match. It is absolutely Cool. I have gotten out Mother's and Gram's jewelry from the 30's and the '40's--the big brooches especially--and I'm going for marvelous color. I'm In! I'm 35 again!

So, I started with Impulsive, as I say. From there, I went to Foxy, which is a classy housepaint brown. Mischievous, a sort of greyed violette and elegant, came next. (Impulsive and Foxy are more for sport). I was off and painting. Bewitching, Vixen, Raven Red, Valentine, Plum Seduction... I'm on my 13th color. This week is Revlon Red. Miss Scarlet. Flash and Dash. I've tried reds, deep magentas, and I've tried purples. All are scrumptious.  

Beware however: Some hues are just not good with everyone's skin tones. Skin is first in all things, remember, if you're doing fashion; your own coloring comes before that of what you choose to wear.

This weekend, I attempted a lovely shade: Spanish Moss. I want to tell you, it was more than charming in the bottle; the color, I swear, spoke with a Southern accent, it was such a deliciously mellow and creamy green. Yes, indeed. Thing is, alas, I am not a Southern Belle. My olive-with-yellow-undertones skin, surrounding what was actually more like "General MacArthur Olive Drab," was less than I had hoped. As a salesclerk said, when I went to Macy's, "Honey, I'm from Looziana, so I know about Spanish moss. And this ain't it. Not on you, Girl. It just ain't workin' for ya." And that.was.that.

My Prince Charming said that the Spanish Moss made my hands look old and gnarled, like a withering tree, with dying green buds at the end of each twig. Sigh... Would that I were a lovely blonde or redhead, instead of a sallowed old broad...

That was the end of the Spanish Moss. But take heart! Every shade but that, has been a giggle and an inspiration for great outfits. You can't believe what ensembles I've dug out of drawers and closets to make this stuff work! What is happening is that the polish is not only decorating my nails, but is re-designing my entire attitude!  A new wardrobe without the purchase of a single new garment.  I'm telling you, again: Try it.  

Go with any brand or color you like. Makes no difference to me. Just give yourself a lift, and dare to be daring. It's amazing how few people have a sense of humor when it comes to themselves. What about You? What about Me? Break out of the mold.  It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys--no kidding!

We're going into holiday. So the Revlon Red is perfect. As is the silver glittered Stunning. Next week, however, just between us, I'm going to try Rain Forest. Yes. Another green. But this time it's like a group of tall, dark trees on a chilly, dewy morning, deep into the Amazon's undergrowth... Doesn't it sound exciting???

I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, try it yourself!

Syndicate: The Mob, Publishers, Columnists, and Me

So here I am on Skype, Twitter, Facebook, Linked-in, with a blog [TheGrownUpsTable.com], a website [CustomUniformCompany.com], and emails. I'm a Syndicate.  I'm told that this is what I have to do in order to "participate."  If I want to write, hobnob, "connect with people;" blow my own horn, introduce myself to the world. Tra la. What ever happened to the "Coming Out Party?"  I thought people were supposed to come to meet me (invitation, only, of course), rather than I having to extend and meet them...  I guess social media is just that.  Only I give my own party and introduce me to you. Hello, out there!  

Once, the Syndicate was about Al Capone and the Mob.  The big boys in the killer "zoot suit with a drape shape and a reep pleat;" fedora pulled down low over the eyes, wide lapels, pinstripes; a machine gun hidden in the violin case, and cement shoes to be worn in the East River if one didn't pay up on time.  Yes.  "Da boyz" who were stationed here and there with their icy fingers reaching across the nation, creeping in to folks' pockets for the murderously desperate payola.  Drugs, booze, prostitution, and dough--bigtime. The Syndicate.

Or, there are the monolithic publishing houses:  Remember Citizen Kane? Great movie.  Yes.  William Randolph Hearst, San Simeon, and the Hearst Corporation: Harper's Bazaar, Seventeen, Esquire, Town & Country, Cosmopolitan + books, TV, newspapers. Conde Nast, and the vast empire of New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Wired, Vogue and more.  Today's world is about technological delivery via APPs instead of a stamp and bulk mail. But syndicated is still syndicated.  In this newsstand, or that grocery store. Fashion, food, computers, news, entertainment; what's posh or smashing, new and different, in this world.    Multiple mags, multiple pages and layouts, appeal to multiple types. Syndicated.

Columnists were published along with their periodicals when the newspaper was king.  Remember Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Erma Bombeck?  Louella Parsons, Drew Pearson, H.L. Mencken? Syndicated in every paper that was worth reading.  Today, some of the greats include Dennis Prager, Charles Krauthammer, Thomas Friedman, Robert Samuelson. The comics, of course. A ubiquitous name across the country's printed page that means "quality, reliable, familiar and famous."  Syndicated:  Income, fame, speaking engagements, opinions worth discussing at the dinner table.  Can I look forward to this?  Gee...

Yes, at last, I'm my own syndicate.  Only not by choice so much as necessity. Splattered all over the place.  Instead of fame and fortune, however, I'm struggling like mad to keep up with contacts, sites, and responses.   A desperate attempt to appear interesting, clued and tuned in, infinitely wise, witty, and without another thing to do but connect & communicate.  I don't get paid, don't get recognition, don't get someone to do my editing, layout, or P.R.  I can never remember where I put my book of passwords.  The only thing that's "coming out"  is my waistline from sitting so much in front of the computer.  But yes, I'm it.  The new syndication.  Me, myself, and I: The Syndicate. 

The Old Bags

The other day I went to the grocery store, fully prepared to get some vacuum cleaner bags for my uprights at home and work.

Much to my surprise, I was told that vacuum cleaner bags are no longer sold.  Yes.  I was flummoxed.  It's bad enough that clothes lines are for the most part, long gone; it's awful when underwear that fits or lipsticks that flatter, are discontinued without a "by your leave, or a kiss my rear."  The extinction of "dumb phones" and PCs is expensive and dreadful, so OK.  But vacuum cleaner bags?

I went down every possible aisle three times.  To no avail.  Not a receptacle to behold.  Finally, in complete disarray, I located the head clerk.  With a rueful smile she shook her head, plainly disturbed by the situation. "No more vacuum cleaner bags. People don't buy them any more, so we stopped selling them." 

"You don't sell vacuum cleaner bags any more?!"  I was almost at a shriek.  It may seem like a simple thing to you but, to me it was a rite of passage.  Did I pass the age of civilization when people vacuum their rugs?  It appeared that vacuum cleaners had gone the way of rectal thermometers. 

The clerk explained that people now use "bagless" vacuums; it wasn't the store's fault at all she went on, but rather that times had changed.  I couldn't stand it.  I really couldn't stand it.  I stuttered, stammered; with arms akimbo, I huffed and puffed. "I know just how you feel," she nodded.  "Why, when I heard about the store discontinuing vacuum cleaner bags, I thought to myself, that's just Un-American. Un-American!"  Visions of  Norman Rockwell paintings, Hoover or Kirby magazine advertisements, and my mother, came to mind...

But there you are.  Upon hearing the terrible news, I immediately drove to the small vacuum cleaner store down the street.  The tattooed balding ex-Marine, none too pleased to hear what I had to say roared, "Who the hell do they think they are, saying that???!! I've been in business for 30 years, plan to be here for 20 more.  All I sell is used and re-furbished vacuum cleaners.  With Bags.  Here! See these?  Thousands of 'em.  THOUSANDS of 'em!" His open arms spread behind him as if in song, across long layered shelves that spanned his shop.  

I took the bags he sold me and left.  It was nothing, really.  Still, there was something about it: Vacuum cleaner bags.  Something so simple, so necessary, seemingly around forever.  All at once rendered useless, outmoded, and unprofitable.  Just like that: Gone.

Measure Twice, Cut Once: UniformMarketNews.com

It used to be that no matter what we did, we had to do it better:  "Good, better, best; never let it rest--until your good is better, and your better best."  A manufacturer would smile contentedly as he finished an order and quip, "Perfect is good enough."  But, today, the stressed salesman snaps at his impatient customers, "We can give you cheap, quick, or good: Pick two.  You can't have all three!"  In today's world, guess which two most people pick.

Over the last few weeks, I have spoken with several companies:  One was doing ceremonial coats for a specialty group.  Five men with five unique measurements all fitting into size 5xl, one way or another.  Each was more specially shaped than the one before.  Directions were impeccable, fabric was magnificent, embroidery was superb, the pattern perfect. Cutters and sewing operators with years of experience were lined up to present these gentlemen with five perfect coats.  It was to be a collective work of uniform magnificence.  What happened?  Despite explicit instructions, their wives took the measurements, instead of the fellows going to skilled tailors.  Guess what? 

One guy had sleeves that came up to his elbows, because the back was too narrow by five inches.  One forgot that the abdomen doesn't disappear when the coat goes on, and his 59 inch stomach acted as a "front porch," left hanging between  his two 64 inch "side verandas."  Another gentleman's spouse didn't know where her husband's waist was, buried somewhere in his rotund figure; thus, the top of the coat looked like it had an empire waist, also about three inches too short at the hem.  The best is that the guys got the coats, didn't try them on, had them ornately embroidered for an unmentionable amount of money, and only afterward realized that the coats had to be trashed!

Then, there was the police department.  The secretary took down the specifics on this one, claiming she was an alteration lady on the side.  From our military uniform source, I surmise that her skills were very "on the side."  The coats were standard Marine Corps design, braided by hand with edge cord, all around.  In 100% wool elastique, they cost a pretty penny, as first class military coats do.  It turned out the gal had measured one fellow's coat three inches too long, and the entire coat had to be ripped out, cut down, re-lined, re-braided.  The pants for a different officer were criticized as being made far too small for his large, muscular thighs.  The salesman was told that his customer couldn't get the pants on.  When the officer was re-measured for new pants, his thighs were actually an inch narrower than originally thought; it was his seat that was two inches too small.  On it went...

A restaurateur complained that his 3xl gal was wearing a jumper and pinafore apron that were too short regarding the waist length, and asked the manufacturer if it would mind re-designing the pattern  to accommodate this woman's rather large bosom.  The manufacturer explained that an entirely new pattern had to be drafted, graded, etc., and that a custom pattern  for one uniquely built size 3xl would cost a fortune, suggesting an alteration lady, instead.  But no mind.  The gal was taken with a seizure of modesty, refused to get measured and as a result, the owner of the eatery sent the lady's old uniform to the manufacturer, with instructions to make her new uniforms just the same as the old but with a longer bodice.  How much longer, he couldn't say.  No one knows to this day.

Finally, there is the theatrical producer who needed Johnny-on-the-spot costumes for his dancers: Two weeks' notice, four different fabrications, three different garments per uniform to outfit the entire cast.  All were ritz and glitz, goods that were more slippery and clingy than skin on a snake, and so thin the garments couldn't be made up without fusing, lining, and heaven knows what.  Okay.  For skilled manufacturers of theme park attire, no worries, right?   But oop, when the stage manager gave the sewing operators their instructions, he forgot to reveal that there were two different styles of jackets rather than one; the wrong color fabric had been listed on the purchase order for one entire group of dancers (there were three groups); the fabric (which was really meant for flimsy bowties,  not coats and pants ) was 20 inches too narrow; he had forgotten to order one fabric, while short on the other three; and the fellow didn't include the custom-designed patterns.  Oh, yes, pant hem lengths were left out of the measurements, too.

So there you are.  Why accuracy matters.  Which reminds me, a well-known tailor recently came across a new tape measure that started at three inches, rather than at zero.  Have you ever taken a measurement that was three inches larger than the person's actual size?  Try it in your own business, sometime.  But    remember to measure twice, and cut only once. 

Do It Up Brown: Essay for Made to Measure Magazine

Bachman1973/Shutterstock.com

Chances are that when the teacher asked you what your favorite color was, brown wasn’t the first choice.  It’s one of those things.  Ubiquitous like air and water, brown is an all-pervasive hue that just is; as a result, most folks take it for granted rather than think of it as being really special or unique.  Let’s face it: brown lacks pizzazz.

On the other hand, brown in the uniform industry—despite objections to the contrary by navy’s, blacks, and grey’s—has been a staple that has not only been around forever, but commands identity and respect because of its no-nonsense down to earth connotation.

You have to figure that clothing was originally brown—animal skins.  Plants and natural dyes were often in the browns, so as fabrics evolved, brown was still the staple.  When man discovered weaving and color processing technologies, brown stepped back for the emergence of red’s, blue’s, green’s, yellow’s, and so forth.  But in all native societies, brown still held the prominent spot as a shade.  It became the color of the common people. 

Brown reminds us of wood, nature, and earth.  It’s a warm mix of other muddied primary colors, and often borders on yellow, orange, green, or burgundy.  It’s all about comfort, reality, and the inevitable.  Brown just is.

UPS knows about brown—“Pullman Brown” to be precise.  The largest delivery service in the world has chosen plain ‘ole dark chocolate as its uniform masthead.  It’s not fancy like Fed Ex with purple this and navy that; not a food product like DHL—red and yellow as ketchup and mustard on a hotdog; not catchy like all the other freight companies.  Nope.  UPS is basic brown, and the genius who decided on this particular color as the single identifier of the company, knew it was a winner.  The entire world knows “Brown,” as UPS has come to call itself.  Practically speaking, with the traveling, the dust stirred up by the delivery trucks, all the boxes—mostly in coordinated brown cardboard containers—these delivery folks don’t have to worry about too much dirt and laundering; everything matches brown.

Ever bought Girl Scout Cookies?  Do you know how many millions of girls and women are in the Girl Scouts?  From the earliest years of elementary school, kids join this mammoth service organization; guess who the entry level participants are, and what they wear: Brownies.  Any American child either knows or is a Brownie.  (Remember the beanies that look like Hershey’s Kisses?)   Speaking of which, if you’ve been to Hershey, Pennsylvania, you know all about chocolate, and more brown. 

One of the ugliest chapters in history was the German Nazi elite during the Second World War—Hitler’s “Brown Shirts,” as they were called.  But Hitler’s murderers aside (if one may dare to be so cavalier with such heinous memories), the land-based military in more recent times has made enormous use of brown.  Part of this is because of the camouflage with the ground—soldiers are more difficult to see when they match the terrain (lighter tans for the sandier soil, and darker browns for richer farm lands); part of the reasoning is to remind the people what these soldiers are fighting for: terra firma, the motherland.   

During the ‘70’s, brown was “in;” if you can believe it, brown was actually a fashion color.  Between the military look of soldiers and the psychological connotations of “warm,” “friendly,” and “no-nonsense,” several police forces expounded on tan and darker brown tones.  County, state, and city police all went to brown, with the hopes of commanding user-friendly respect from citizens as they politely handed out summonses and tickets: A cross no doubt between the Park Forest Rangers and the Boy Scouts.   (In downtown Manhattan, however, the response to the traffic police dressed in brown was so negative that the Commissioner had to spend $24,000 to change all the uniforms back to blue in order to physically protect his men.  The “cops” became known as “the Brownies,” and were literally either pummeled, teased, or treated as doormen for the finer hotels.)

In athletic apparel, brown goes in and out with style and public fervor.  The Cleveland Browns (owned by Paul Brown); the once St. Louis Browns aka now the Baltimore Orioles; the San Diego Padres: Brown.   

In the corporate world, brown has pretty much followed fashion.  Browns were big when polyester first came into vogue.  President Reagan used to wear brown suits instead of Washingtonian black or dark navy—he wanted to present as a man of the people.  But then it was gone.  Now, with the re-emergence of coffee (yes, Starbucks and cyber cafes are our new national pastime), brown has seen a renaissance.  Poly wools and polyesters are back on the scene.  Poly cottons:  Khaki, a lighter shade of brown, has become so prevalent that certain pants have taken on the same name—not as a color, but as an entire style: “Khakis.”  Of course, all the popular organic fabrics come in varying degrees of brown, too.

One can open any catalogue or check a group of swatch cards and find contemporary browns in delicious abundance: Hazelnut, mocha, toffee, taupe, dark chocolate, cocoa, latte, or milk chocolate.  For the purists, the mundane:  Tan, brown, medium brown, dark brown, rust, or puce.  Don’t forget nature:  Mahogany, heather, hickory, bark, sand, sable, and mink.  A plethora of tones.

So the next time you think about a customer’s need for something unique and stylish, be creative in a down home way: Think friendly and welcoming, low-key and with an image that says “Hey, we’re one of you, and we mean business.”  Brown isn’t used that often but yet when it is, it’s a terrific success.